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It was dark and rainy last night. A monster came all over my window. I totally freaked out, so I grabbed my double-barrel shotgun and hurried to the window. There I saw Duke Nukem, who was waiting FOREVER for his game to release.
"3D Realms, eat shit and die!"
I stared blankly at him.
"Do you have any gum?" he asked me suddenly. "I want to kick ass!" So I handed him some gum. He reloaded his shotgun and killed that monster that came out of the sewer. "Your ass is lucky. That Octobrain was after some pussy, and by pussy, I mean cats."
"What do Octobrains have against cats?" I asked, obviously confused.
"Dunno," Duke grimaced, and spat bubble gum on my face. "Guess I'm all outta gum, chum." Yes, Duke really had chewed my last piece. "Instead, it's time for some major ass kicking!" He exclaimed as he shot the dead Octobrain until it exploded. "One less alien maggot to worry about!"
I sighed. "That's great and all, but where is the monster that came on my window?"
"Right here, ready for a pipebomb up the ass!"
Then an explosion shook us like a bowel-shaking orgasm.
"F-fascinating..." I gasped. Duke wasn't even slightly fazed.
"Payback time!"
"Where are we anyway?" I asked, staring around my bedroom. "Is this a dream, or am I really talking to the biggest badass ever?"
Duke smacked my face a few times. "Real enough for ya, ass-face?"
I fell to his powerful blows. "Yeah, I guess..."
"I can beat Chuck Norris!" Duke screamed. "Where did that faggot go to?"
Quickly, I questioned Duke's flat-top haircut and ran away FAST... When two Battlelords teleported behind me. "OMFG!" I exclaimed. "Can't you wait until Duke's in range?" Not listening, they tried to open fire on me instead. I ducked and yelled out, "Look, there's a woman, learning!"
The Battlelords turned around, confused. It was then that Duke hit a hole in one of the Battlelord's chainguns. It exploded, severing its arm and seriously injuring his partner's legs.
"Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker!" Duke shouted out.
"Hey, that's copyright infringement!" I turned around and saw Bruce Lee, looking pissed off. "That's what my dad says!" Infuriated, he missed hitting Duke with a waffle iron. Duke quickly retaliated, unloading with both barrels.
"KABOOM!" Duke shouted as he blew Bruce Lee in half. "Should have stayed in bed, you Chuck Norris hater!"
I frowned. "He didn't say anything to that effect, did he?"
Duke farted. "Oops. Did you smell that gas?" He sniffed.
I wrinkled my nose. "Yeah. Smells like that dead Octobrain..."
"Smells like your mom!" Duke corrected me. "I'd know. I had a great old time with her!" Grossed out, Duke vomited manfully into the bushes. He wiped his mouth. "Damn, I can still taste her. Kinda fishy..." He vomited again.
"Shouldn't you be saving the... umm, neighbourhood?" I asked, nervously. "That big dog scares me!"
Duke shot it. "Take that, lil puppy!"
Freaking out, I pissed my pants. "Damn, Duke!"
Duke bitch-slapped a fish. "Aha! You'll never be sushi now!"
"So says you!" The Battlelords who got resurrected by the neighbourhood Arch Vile. "Five bucks, please."
"Screw that!" Duke declared, and he killed the Battlelords without firing a single shot. I stood there in awe.
The Arch Vile sighed. "I'll be back in a few minutes. Mandatory union cigarette break..."
"Yeah, me too." Duke pulled out a pack of cigarettes. "Want one?"
I shook my head. "Those things'll kill you."
"Your loss," Duke grunted, lighting himself on fire, accidentally. "Heh, that tickles," he snorted, setting down his jerrycan filled with gasoline.
"What's that for?" I asked, almost wetting myself again.
He took off his sunglasses. "Cuz I'm THIRSTY, you twat!" He downed it in mere seconds.
"...that's AMAZING!" I exclaimed.
"Watch this!" He grinned, and lit a match and swallowed with an explosion soon following which almost made me deaf. "Damn, that was very refreshing!"
I felt like fainting. "Ohhh... my stomach is messed up!" Convulsing a little, I went into a seizure. "Blarg! Blat!"
"Wussy..." Duke put out his cigarette. "Let's rock, you wimp!"
So I grabbed a wheelbarrow filled with TNT and ran towards McDonalds. "GERONIMOOO!" I yelled.
"Not my burgers!" Duke roared, readying his rocket launcher.
"Whoa! Hold it right there, and please don't shoot me!" I pleaded.
Duke looked puzzled. "Why should I spare your sorry burger-hating ass?" he asked.
"Ummm..." I hesitated. "I'm your secret government-appointed fitness instructor."
Duke blinked. "What does that have to do with burgers?"
"D-don't you get it, man?" I asked, in a crazed frenzy. "If you don't get proper diet counselling, you'll die!"
Duke started laughing like a hyena. "Don't make me laugh!"
"I admit I'm starting to understand how you feel. However, the fact is your lifestyle will have you killed before breakfast tomorrow, at this rate. So cut down on the wanton destruction, and try to eat these multi-vitamins." I tried to uplift him. But he pulled out his gun and chewed bubble gum.
"That just ain't gonna happen. There's no way I'll eat that poison!" He shot behind me.
"Save me, Jesus!" I yelled, as a tree toppled behind me, into the sick children's lame puppy's kennel.
"Score!" Duke bellowed. He then shot at the orphanage's front door, blowing splinters and sick orphan chunks into the foyer. Staff members screamed in terror. A fire broke out and the roof collapsed on the remaining orphans.
Duke lit a cigarette on a dead orphan's burning arm. "I love a good barbecue," Duke bellowed, "and this is great marshmallow-roasting weather! Got a stick for me, clown?"
"Yuh-huh, Mister Duke!" the clown chortled.
"...I'm scared of clowns!" I squealed, running around to hide my sorry ass. Crying, I took refuge behind Duke's manly muscular body.
"What are you doing?" Duke questioned, looking behind him. "This is usually not the sort of thing I condone..."
I kissed his ass. Literally. Duke roared and clubbed me halfway to death. The clown giggled and chuckled; not necessarily in that order.
"Shut up, clown!" Duke snarled as he shoved a pipebomb down the clown's baggy pants. "Is that an erection, or are you about to go BOOM BOOM?" Duke danced as the clown ran in circles in terror, trying to avoid being blown into chunky clown bits. "Ten seconds left, chump!"
I watched in morbid fascination at the violence soon to ensue. Moments later, the clown blew up into confetti-like particles. "WOO-HOO!" Duke exclaimed loudly. "Good riddance! One less clown to make me frown!"
Laughing, I patted Duke on the ass. "You're a poet and now I'm dead, right?"
"That's right." Duke reloaded his PEZ dispenser and ate some. "Hail to the king, baby!" Then he cocked his shotgun. "Your face, your ass, what's the difference?" He pointed the barrel of the shotgun to my nether regions.
"NOT THERE!" I pleaded to him. "Please!"
Duke grinned. "Kiss your dick goodbye." Ready to shoot, Duke aimed at my balls. Click. "What's this?" Puzzled, Duke looked in the chamber. "Damn... outta shells. I'll just have to kick your ass the old-fashioned way... WITH A BOOT UP THE..."
Sadly, before Duke could finish his lesson in ass-kickery, North Korea launched a nuke... at Madagascar.
"Not the lemurs!" Duke yelled. "I'll deal with them when I get to Madagascar."
I paused the game. "Whew. Time to take a shit on this game! Just doesn't seem to make any sense anymore..." I waited and paused again. "Duke Nukem Forever... I guess it wasn't worth waiting for it after all."
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