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OMGWTFBBQ THE END
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Aww, and it was a happy ending and everything. To recap:
Five word story #1
There was a cute girl sensually licking some ice cream on a hot day. She was waiting for her boyfriend. But I decided to hit her boyfriend with an iron bar and steal his wallet. I found his driver's license and pasted my photo on. Then I used it to persuade the girl that I like. But she was more scared than interested. I didn't take out the trash, so I smelled kinda bad, too.
After taking a shower, I tried to hit on her but her mother was there and started flirting with me. Her dad joined in, too... I quickly left the house. But then there was this smoking hot pizza delivery girl, but she forgot the anchovies, so they wouldn't pay her.
That's why the giraffe decided to return to the zoo to tell the union representative. But since it was obvious giraffes were not objective witnesses, the legal situation was definitely problematic. The girl sighed and looked really disappointed. However, the fact remained that she had forgotten about the most important item she had left inside her purse: a pretty huge tin of anchovies. The pizzeria failed epicly because of this.
I went home and decided that I would try to find the remote control, and then I could watch a South Park marathon. So I finally gained my sanity and went to the bathroom. There, I found skid marks in my underpants! Bye bye profit! I then grabbed a washcloth and a wooden spoon.
Then I went to town on a motorcycle, but a cop stopped me and began to hit me with his nightstick, much like Rodney King was. Why did he do it? Simple. I was high on a mountain when he came, plus I was smoking marijuana... I figured that's not good that someone laced it with asbestos. I coughed a bit.
Luckily there was a hospital that my insurance doesn't cover. I went there anyway, but the doctor wanted to probe the inside of my urethra. I asked, "what does that burning sensation result from, doc?"
He smiled and shrugged. "It's just another case of severe autoerotic overindulgence. You really need to stop sticking rusty spoons into places that are not suited for cutlery. So I recommend you find a girlfriend."
I wasn't satisfied, so I insisted on a more detailed approach to picking up girls. So I tried a bulldozer. But that approach failed miserably and I realised that I should try something completely different to anything I'd tried before. I came up with a backup plan: I was going full-on lolicon! Yeah - lolicon!
It seemed that my neighbour was looking for a tutor for his sexual games. So I suggested that his daughter should make out with me, and was promptly thrown out. Despondent, I went to Burger King and ordered three Whoppers, with lots of ketchup on top.
The cute cashier smiled as I flashed her my big one hundred dollar bill, and asked if I wanted fries with ketchup or with mayonnaise. Of course I wanted both, provided it was self made. But they offered only canned worms and more crap, like it was to be expected.
I didn't like this, so I strapped a bomb to the garbage can and I forgot to add a detonator. So I went to get some fertilizer from the store. It smelled like shit, but it is explosive, after all...
Then the police showed up and took me to jail. Finally I was sentenced to ten hours of community service and thus I headed out to Burger King once more and this time I ordered a Diet Coke. The girl handed me the can and I stared at her chest while she looked at me suspiciously.
"Don't I know you from last time you came in here?" she asked. I blushed and asked her: "Will you marry me? I don't care about looks but only about Mom... eh, I mean slimy, groping tentacles," I concluded.
She stared at me with fascination. "Me too!" she exclaimed. Then... our first kiss... It was extremely erotic. I pulled a quarter out of her ear and ate it slowly. After that she proceeded to run out the door screaming. I cried. I couldn't stand this painful erection any longer. So I hurried towards the nearest vacuum cleaner store.
Once I was there, I bought the most powerful model they had. It was beautiful! Such generous curves, such amazingly ample wheels, and such a long hose and neck that I wanted to turn it on high and clean the store. But sexual satisfaction called!
I paraded around the neighbourhood and looked for a power point. The only free one was not for free, so I walked into a gay bar and asked if I could plug in. Sadly, they misunderstood my request and offered me some free condoms. I was moved to tears. They really were planning to rape me... but my Burger King fiancee rode a tentacle monster to my rescue, and turned it on the hard gays, who enjoyed it entirely too much.
And this way the absurdity reached critical mass, resulting in everything being blanketed by semen...
When I regained consciousness, I beat the tentacle monster for showing up that late, but then he pleasured my fiancee and it was pretty obvious I was better in bed. Since that didn't matter anyway, I decided to join in. There were tentacles everywhere. It was difficult to discern which orifice felt most violated. Still, I couldn't help but enjoy my first experience sucking on a juicy tentacle. My fiancee was good at it too.
From this time on, we have often engaged in threesomes, as it is usual in otaku culture to allow monsters to keep each 'entrance' occupied to prevent embarrassing leakages. This is how we continued our unconventional 'open' marriage. We're all very happy to live in communal, occasionally tentacle-wrapped, bliss.
My fiancee said that she hopes that when she gets pregnant, it will be a human-tentacle hybrid. I figure that's too awesome to be true!
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