*As Darkling and Kana approach the lab, sounds of sawing and hammering can be heard from within. Darkling and Kana look at each other*

Kana: Kana?

*Darkling shrugs. At that point, it suddenly becomes quiet. Darling and Kana enter the lab, and see Wolfson dusting off another Kana, who is dressed in a tight jumpsuit. She is staring off into space*

Wolfson (proudly): Ah! Allow me to introduce you to Kana-too.

Darkling: Kana-two?

Wolfson: Yeah.

*Kana approaches Kana-too curiously and waves a hand in front of her face, eliciting no responce*

Wolfson: Kana-too, introduce yourself to the nice people.

Kana-too: Ka-na.

*Kana regards the android suspiciously*

Wolfson: Now, Kana-too, show them some of your moves.

*Kana-too stands immobile, staring off into space*

Kana-too: Ka-na.

Wolfson (embarrassed): Er... I still have to work out a few of the bugs...

Kana (unimpressed): Kana...

Darkling: I think I agree with her...

Darkling: (walks a complete circle around Kana-too, inspecting her jumpsuited form curiously) So, is she... um, anatomically correct?

Wolfson: (plugging a cable into a socket hidden beneath Kana-too's hair) I should hope so. You wouldn't agree to let me take measurements, so I had to go with those reference photos I found in your office...

Kana: (cocks her head at Darkling, curiously) Kana?

Darkling: (laughs nervously) Reference photos? I... I don't know what you're talking about, Okami-san...

Wolfson: You always call me that when you're anxious about something. Bad character trait. It gives the game away.

Darkling: Um, those were just... publicity photos. You know, to boost Kana's public profile. Sure, she's popular enough, but she's no bishoujo idol...

Wolfson (absently): The photos I found would have done an AV idol proud.

Kana-too: Ka-na.

Wolfson (fondly): That's right.

*Kana looks curiously at Kana-too's chest, then looks down at her own breasts, puzzled*

Darkling (equally puzzled): You're kidding me - you actually made them smaller?

Wolfson: (ducks head and starts muttering awkwardly to himself) Well, for aerodynamic efficiency and general streamlining of physical design...

Darkling: Once a lolicon, always a lolicon, hey? I can't wait to see Anna's reaction when she hears about this...

*Wolfson goes to a computer terminal and taps on some keys*

Wolfson (absently): This is a Kana fan site, which is why I haven't brought Anna here. So I need a Kana to play with.

Darkling: Ah.

*Wolfson hits a key and Kana-too's right hand comes up in a "V" sign. Kana jumps back, startled*

Kana-too: Ka-na.

Kana: Kana...

Wolfson: Yeah... I can't seem to get that voice modulator to work right.

*Darkling considers the android for a moment*

Darkling: Are you sure you've tried everything?

*A lightbulb appears above Wolfson's head. Kana regards it curiously*

Kana: Kana?

Wolfson (brightly): Of course! The technician's last resort!

*Wolfson steps up to Kana-too and gives her a good, solid whack on the side of the head*

Kana-too: Kana.

Wolfson (beaming): Never fails.

*Kana hides behind Darkling and looks at Wolfson suspiciously*

Kana: Kanaaa...

Wolfson: Oh, don't worry... You work just fine. Besides, you'd be Darkling's problem.

Darkling: (strokes Kana's hair reassuringly) He's right, imouto-chan. I couldn't ask for a better Kana than you.

*Kana purrs and rubs up against Darkling's arm affectionately*

Kana (happily): Kana...

Kana-too: Kana.

Kana: (blinks and looks at Kana-too, puzzled) Kana?

Kana-too: Kana.

*Kana lets go of Darkling's arm and approaches her simulacrum hesitantly*

Kana (questioningly): Kana?

Kana-too (monotone): Kana.

Darkling (dryly): Ah, the dazzling conversations of higher intelligence.

Wolfson (distractedly): I'm working on the AI. Give me a break. I don't see you constructing convincing replicas of bishoujo game characters in your spare time...

Darkling: (sighs nostalgically) I have other ways of occupying my spare time...

*Overhearing, Kana turns to Darkling and cups her breasts in the sailor outfit, looking up at him questioningly*

Kana: Kana?

Darkling: (blushes) Um, that's okay, imouto-chan. Not right now...

Wolfson: (turns back to his terminal, shaking his head) I don't even want to know...

*Wolfson inserts a CD-ROM into the terminal and taps on some keys*

Darkling (curiously): What are you doing now?

Kana: Kana?

Wolfson: Installing pre-prgrammed AI sub-routines into her memory.

*Darkling picks up some of the CD's off the stack and examines them*

Darkling: Hmmm... Let's see... Anime-style Martial Artist. Kawaii Schoolgirl. Er... Soapland Girl?

*Wolfson snatches the CD's from Darkling's hands with an embarressed look*

Wolfson: Uh... It's for practical purposes. I might need my back scrubbed. Or something.

*Darkling casts Wolfson a wry look*

Darkling: Or something. Right.

Kana (confused): Kana?

Darkling: Oh, don't worry, imouto-chan, it's something you wouldn't know about. Though there was another girl named Kana who worked at a soapland in Runaway City...

Wolfson (not really listening): I thought this was Kana's thread specifically, not for other bishoujo games?

Darkling: Humpf. You were the one who said that, not me. It so happens I have some of my collection with me. Look.

*Darkling produces a selection of game boxes from the pockets of his jacket*

Wolfson: (blinks) How did you fit all those in there?

Darkling: Pockets of Plot Necessity. I have them sewn into all my clothes for moments just like this.

Wolfson: (shrugs) Well, it's your omake, I suppose...

Darkling: (starts fanning out his collection on a nearby bench) Here we go. Crescendo. Casual Romance Club. Private Nurse. Oh, and the one that started it all: Kana ~Imouto~.

Kana: (padding closer to Darkling and peering at the boxes) Kana?

Darkling: Yes, imouto-chan, that's you on the cover.

Kana (ecstatic): Kana!

Darkling: (picks an unmarked CD up from the pile and cradles it lovingly) And this - the jewel in my collection's crown. Almost impossible to find. The exclusive Casual Romance Club Kazumi Shindo fan disc!

*Kana looks at Darkling's expression, a little anxiously*

Kana: Kana...?

Darkling (not really listening): Yes, imouto-chan...

Kana (disgruntled): Kanaaa...

*Wolfson continues downloading data, while Kana-too stares off into space*

Wolfson: (picks up Soapland CD) Yeah... Kana...

Kana: Kana?

Wolfson: Er... not you, Kana...

Kana-too: Kana.

Wolfson: Er... not you, either, Kana... I was just reflecting on Runaway City. Where do you think I got this data from, anyway, Darkling... Darkling?

*Wolfson looks over at Dakling, who is still lost in his own reverie*

Wolfson (yells): Hey! Romeo!

Darkling (startled): Eh? ...Uh... What?

Wolfson: Are you going to come back to this conversation, or are you going to keep drooling over that CD there?

*Kana pouts at Darkling*

Kana: Kana...

*Darkling regards his CD lovingly*

Darkling: I'll get back to you later, my pretty...

Wolfson: As I was saying, I actually considered using the other Kana as a model for Kana-too, but I thought it might cause some confusion.

Darkling: (regards the Kanas and then Wolfson) You mean, this isn't going to cause confusion?

Wolfson: No problem... we just check their breasts.

Kana (wide eyed): Kana!

Wolfson: Hey... It sounded good to me...

*Wolfson smiles wryly as he turns back to his terminal, ejecting the CD from the drive*

Wolfson: Well, you could always take those 'hairstyle facilitators' out of mothballs and use them as an identifying feature.

Darkling (brightening): Hmm, that's a good idea.

Wolfson: (blinks) It is? I was just teasing...

Darkling: Oh, not the g-stri--

*He pauses, looking at Kana thoughtfully, as if trying to assess her vocabulary. Kana blinks at him, puzzled.*

Kana: Kana?

Darkling: (shakes his head) Not the hair tie that properties sent up, no. But a ribbon might be nice. I've been watching lots of anime lately with cute girls with their hair tied in ribbons. Heck, even Kazumi wears a headband... Mmmm, Kazumi...

Kana: (grumbles softly to herself) Kanaaaa...

*Darkling puts the Kazumi fan disc down on the bench and starts sorting through his copious pockets*

Darkling (distractedly): Ribbons, ribbons...

*While Darkling isn't looking, Kana slides up to the bench, appropriating the offending fan disc. She looks around momentarily for a place to hide it.*

Wolfson (sounding satisfied): Soapland AI sub-routines downloaded! We'll be able to have some fun at the bathhouse next time, Kana-too, won't we?

Kana-too: Ka-na.

Wolfson (frowning): Don't tell me your voice modulator's gone haywire again? There's only so many times I can smack you around the head, Kana-too...

*Getting up from his stool, Wolfson walks over to Kana-too and starts adjusting the cable plugged into her head*

Kana: (drifts closer, humming innocently) Kana... Kana, Kana, Kanaaa...

*Surreptitiously, she places the unlabelled fan disc on top of the rest of Wolfson's CDs*

Darkling: Kana!

Kana: (jumps guiltily) Kaaa... na?

Darkling (happily): I found the ribbons! I knew I had them in here somewhere. Come here, imouto-chan. Which would you prefer, green or blue?

Kana: (runs obligingly to Darkling's side) Kana!

*Darkling ties a blue ribbon into Kana's hair*

Darkling (happilly): There! Nice and pretty... Just like Kazumi.

Kana: (looking much like she just sucked on a lemon) Kaaana.

*Wolfson looks up from his work on Kana-too*

Wolfson: Hey, Dark... You want any of these disks? Maybe you could get Kana to do something interesting?

Kana: (shaking her head in panic) Kana! Kana! Kana!

Wolfson (quizzically): Eh? What's with her?

Darkling: She probably doesn't want a cable stuck into her neck.

*A bead of sweat appears on Kana's head and she gives a cheesy grin*

Kana: Kana!

Wolfson: No sweat. We can use 'trodes.

Darkling: 'Trodes?

*Wolfson steps over to the table and produces a set of little suction cups attached by cables to a computer jack*

Wolfson: Sure... Hook her up electronically to direct neural interface.

Darkling: Hmmm...

Kana (weakly): Kanaaa...

*Darkling draws Kana to his side and strokes her hair comfortingly*

Darkling: Don't worry, imouto-chan. I prefer everything natural.

Kana: (breathes a sigh of relief) Kanaaa...

Wolfson (laughing): Natural? Did I mention those other photos I found in your office, Dar--

Darkling (hastily): Shhhh!

Kana: (looks at Darkling curiously) Kana?

Wolfson: Let's just say there was more silicone in those shots than there is in this computer terminal and Kana-too combined.

*Wolfson puts the soapland CD aside and reaches for the unmarked CD on top of his pile. Without looking at it, he slots it into the drive.*

Darkling: (fiddles nervously with Kana's hair ribbon) Don't you have... work to do, Okami-san?

Wolfson (airily): Well, yes, but watching sweatdrops form on the back of your head has its appeal, too.

*Kana peers at the back of Darkling's head, puzzled*

Kana: Kana?

Darkling (weakly): Yes, imouto-chan.

*Wolfson taps at his keyboard absentmindedly, keying in the download sequence*

Wolfson (frowning): That's funny. I don't recognise this disc ID... Wait a minute--

*Kana-too suddenly starts jerking spasmodically, tiny arcs of electricity coruscating up and down her twitching limbs*

Kana-too (staccato): Ka... na... na...!

Wolfson (horrified): Kana-too!

*Leaping to his feet, Wolfson wrenches the cable from Kana-too's cranial socket, ignoring the sparks flying up into his face and the acrid smoke that starts to pour from Kana-too's ears*

Wolfson (coughing): Kana-too? Kana-too? Speak to me!

*Kana-too straightens up abruptly, blinking a couple of times. She turns to look at her master, her expression slightly fey.*

Wolfson (breathlessly): Kana... too...?

Kana-too: Kazumi.

*Wolfson's jaw drops. Stunned, Darkling looks at the bench, finding the Kazumi fan disc missing. Kana starts to edge quietly towards the door.*

Darkling and Wolfson (in unison): Nooooooo!

*Wolfson buries his face in his hands*

Wolfson: This is a catastophe!

Kana-too (curiously): Kazumi?

Darkling (miserably): I'll say... I'll never be able to replace that CD!

*Wolfson looks up at Darkling and blinks*

Wolfson: What? Not that! Your CD is probably fine since the terminal was untouched and the data was only copied, not moved. But Kazumi's volitile personality overlaid with the Anime Martial Artist template... Kana-too is positively lethal now!

*Kana-too glares at Wolfson*

Kana-too: Kazumi.

*Wolfson glances at Kana-too and a bead of sweat forms on his head. He gives a cheesy grin*

Wolfson: Heh! Heh, heh! Of course, I didn't mean that in a bad way...

Kana-too: Kazumi!

Wolfson: Oh shit...

Kana-too: Kaaa-zumi!

*Kana-too makes a flying aerial kick, impacting Wolfson in the chest. Wolfson flies across the room, striking the far wall and leaving a Wolfson-sized imprint*

Wolfson: Oof.

*Wolfson slides to the floor. Kana-too looks concerned*

Kana-too: Kazumi?

Darkling: Hmmm. I see what you mean.

*Darkling walks over to Wolfson's terminal and examines it curiously*

Darkling (thoughtfully): But how did the Kazumi disc end up here in the first place?

*He gingerly presses the eject button and winces as the CD pops out, smoking faintly*

Darkling: Hmm, it doesn't seem to be damaged. That's lucky. There are a lot of rather choice graphics of Kazumi on here. The folder of lingerie shots is worth the price of admission alo-- Oww!

*He turns, looking reproachfully at Kana-too, who just smacked him rather hard across the back of the head*

Darkling: What was that for?

Kana-too (glaring): Kazumi.

Darkling: (looks down at the fan disc and then backs away in alarm) No. No, not my fan disc! Anything but that!

Kana-too: (advances on Darkling menacingly) Ka... zu... mi!

Wolfson: (holds one hand to his chest as he painfully climbs to his feet) I'd do what she says, Dark...

*Darkling looks around desperately for a place to hide the fan disc, but Kana-too has him backed against the wall*

Darkling (tremulously): Um... Kana-t-- I mean, um, Kazumi, darling... You're taking this the wrong way. It's flattery, that's what it is. You should be pleased that people want to look at you wearing little to no clothi-- Ulp!

*Kana-too reaches out to the CD in Darkling's hand and breaks it into tiny slivers of plastic with her fingertips*

Darkling: (gulps) Or, well, we could do it your way, too, of course...

Kana-too: (nods in satisfaction) Kazumi.

*Darkling scuttles over to Wolfson's side, making sure not to turn his back on Kana-too*

Darkling (sotto voce): So, um... I say we wipe the Kazumi data clean. What's the plan?

Hmm, because this post simply must be preserved for future generations... I've transplanted this from a post I made elsewhere.

-----

Oh dear, now I've got an idea for a Zero Wing / Kana crossover...

--

"All your Kana are belong to us!" the bad guy sneers.

Taka leaps into his Zig fighter as alarms go off all over the ship, and the captain's voice booms through the PA system.

"Take off every Zig! Save Kana! For great justice!"


Meanwhile, on the enemy ship...

The bad guy looks at Kana with a confused expression on his face as she patiently reads to him from a book entitled English Grammar for Megalomaniacs.

"You see," Kana says, tolerantly, "to form a plural of most English nouns, you simply need to add an S at the end. No apostrophe is needed; apostrophes indicate ownership or a contraction."

"All your noun works this way?" the enemy commander asks, baffled.

"Oh." Kana looks up with a gently chiding smile. "And your verb has to agree with the noun. 'All your nouns work this way', for example."

The bad guy looks at Kana for a moment, sitting there sweetly at his tactical console. Then he looks at the grammar book. His lips move silently for a moment, and his brow furrows. Then he looks up and beckons to a nearby guard.

"You!" he barks.

"Sir, yes?"

He points at Kana. "Taking her away! Someone lock her up the brig!"

"But... but..." Kana stammers, as the guard steps forward and drags her out of her seat. "I was only trying to help you do your evil overlord thing in proper English...!"

Hmm, an idea just occurred to me: Tiny Snow Fairy Kana!

"I'll make it snow when I grow up, just like my dear mommy... WAFFO!"

I would just take this chance to air my compliments about the Kana fanficts Dark and Zero put up. I came across the flash versions some weeks ago. I found the game about a year ago. I thought I'll "praise" you guys in public, instead of emailing each ^_^


Reading in here I could imagine Kana - "Onegai Sensei" like - in a huge space ship with a small Marie landing on earth and playing a teacher as a little bookworm she would go "saiyo sen jiko yo!" on her pupils all the time is's about healthcare, good nutrition and such. Of course Taka would go mad, when she is found out as an Alien from Imoutopia and has to marry a pupil from her own class to cover up.

The "Love Hina" reference of course would do as well, as a flat chested version of Mutsumi who fainst al the time she tries to raise her voice, hiding behind Motoko or plant pots all the time either Keitaro, Naru or especially Kaolla show up. She would spend a great deal in hospital flunking the Todai entrance exams.

There is of course also the "Chobits" Kana. You'll find her down in the trash bins of the hospital, She would go "Chii" at every thing (or "Onii"?), doing random pure naive unspoilt actions, like walking around without underwear, causing Taka lots of nose bleeds...