Well here is the first chapter of my fanfic, due to the site problems, I'll link it here.

Kana:
Sorrow

Written By
Jodan48

Chapter 1:
Makoto Sato:
I am Makoto Sato
I know Kana Todo

Day has dawned. It‘s a calm summer day, no different than yesterday, or any days previously. People walk here and there, going about their daily lives, darting into shops to escape the heat. Children are laughing, playing with each other, running through groups of people. Teenagers are eating outside, laughing and roughhousing, bothering some older looking gentlemen behind them. I walk amidst the crowd, when I notice a small building, some sleazy looking guys are leaning against the wall. I go inside, passing them I enter the store. A little bell rings, there are a few people browsing through shelves of books. A few people are loafing around reading books on comfortable looking chairs. The store is small, and age has done it’s toll to the interior, the floorboards squeak, and the paint is pealing off. I walk around the shelves, filled with an assortment of books, everything from trivial comic books, to lengthy history books. There’s a shelf devoted entirely to hand me downs, where anyone is welcome to donate a book.

Making my way through the store, I notice a young woman at the counter, talking on a phone. The proprietor? She looks young, brown hair, she’s not very tall, and from first glance, I’d say she wasn’t much older than 17. But within her eyes, I can tell she’s experienced more than most people have in their entire life. Some say that you can tell what kind of person someone is just by looking at their eyes, a window to the soul. She looks concerned, her fingers are nervously curling the spiral phone wire. She moves into a room behind the counter,. I am curious, and can’t help but find out what wrong, I pick up a random book, and walk over to the counter, I listen heard, and hear a small faint voice.
“I don’t know what to do, these guys keep coming here everyday”
“no, they haven’t actually harmed me, but they scare me”
“I don’t want to, it would only anger them, and then who knows what they’d do”
“I’m scared…Bro”

Hearing enough, I leave the store, and notice the same group of men still there, talking amongst themselves, there’s one wearing sunglasses lighting up a cigarette, the one next to him has really bad hair, lathered in enough gel to kill a small animal. I take the cigarette out of the one guys hand.
“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” he exclaims and looks directly at me,
“what are you doing?”
he stares at me, as I start smoking his cigarette,
“what do you mean? you stole my cigarette”
I blow smoke out at his face,
“why do you come here everyday? unless you want to buy a book, I suggest you leave”
His eyes shift
“so what, we aren‘t bothering anyone. we can do whatever we want, old man” He laughs,
“you’re bothering the owner of the store”
The guy with the hair makes a rude comment,
“she’s a freak, who wants to own a bookstore anyway”
the group laughs, two more men from the alley appear.
“Besides we’re just misunderstood citizens”

“I see, misunderstood. well let me help you understand”
I grab the one wearing sunglasses and slam his face into a wall. His glasses break, and he falls to the ground. Alarmed, the remaining men react.
“get him!”
One of the alley guys sprints forward, and I kneel, elbowing him in the waist, and then flipping him over my shoulder onto the pavement. The guy with the really bad hair is next to reach me, and he pulls out a knife. I wait for him to make a jab, and as he retracts his hand, I grab it and twist it, and he drops the knife which I then proceed into kicking into further down into the alley. I then release his arm and punch him right in the face, he falls down onto the ground, bleeding. The other alley guy runs off without as much of an attempt to hit me.

The guy with the sunglasses tries to stand up, and I grab him by the collar, he moans. I then drag him to the front of the store, then toss him through the front window display case. People scream in confusion and panic as the glass shatters. The guy hits a bookcase, and a heavy encyclopedia falls of a shelf and lands on his head.
The woman managing the counter comes out.
“Don’t let me see you near here again, got it?”
The guy stands up, wobbling, blood dripping over his face.
“You’re going to regret this, you bastard”
and he leaves the store. The woman walks over, and asks me my name.
“My name is Makoto Sato”

Kana Todo:
I am Kana Todo
I knew Makoto Sato

As I wake up, I look outside my window. It looks like it’s going to be another typical summer day, Busy. Getting ready for the day ahead, I quickly get take a shower and dress. Preparing a small meal of donuts, I quickly eat. Things have become routine around the store, and time goes by fast, has it really been two years since I left home...since I left Taka. I stop myself from thinking any longer on the subject. It’s about time, and I open the store. It’s early still, so few people come, but later there will be many more. I help children find the latest comics, and a few older kids come from the university, buying books they need for their courses at the last minute.

Everything’s calm and going well until early afternoon, when I notice people hanging around outside.
Not again…
There’s four of them, and they have come for the past five days or so, and they keep loitering out front. The first time I noticed them I asked them if they wanted to come in, but they laughed at me. Ever since they keep coming back and they scare me. I hear the bell chime and someone walks in. I remember what my brother said about being assertive, but I can‘t force myself to confront them again, they occasionally look inside the store, and then go back into the alley. As the day progresses, my resolve breaks down and before I know it, I’m on the phone, calling up home. Mom answers.
“Hello honey, how are you doing?”
“fine mom, listen could you put Taka on for a second?”
I wait for a second for Taka to pick up
“hello, this is Taka speaking”
“bro…it’s Kana”
“oh hey, Kana, is everything all right at the store?”
“…”
“what’s wrong?” I walk into the back of the store
“there’s these guys standing around outside the store”
“so what’s the problem, do you need help?”
“…”
“oh I see... Is there anyway other way I can help?”
“I don’t know what to do, these guys keep coming here everyday”
“Kana have they ever hurt you?”
“no, they haven’t actually harmed me, but they scare me”
“why don’t you call the police?”
“I don’t want to, it would only anger them, and then who knows what they’d do”
“Kana, I don’t know what to say…”
“I’m scared…Bro”
“listen, watch over them for a little while, if they don’t leave anytime soon, call me ok?”
“alright Bro”
I hang up the phone, I feel nervous, and a little sick. Normally I should be able to call up my family for help, but it’s different when it comes to Taka. I want to grow stronger, I want to make it on my own, but this is too much for me. I start to cry a little.

CRASH!

I hear the sound of breaking glass and chairs scuffing along the ground. I walk out of the back room and see a tall man with dark black hair, he‘s wearing a dark colored Haori coat, underneath is a simple black undershirt. Scars mark the inside of his arms, and he’s wearing a single black glove on one of his hands. He is rather tall, and has large shoulders. He’s wearing black plants and wearing boots with straps. He looks older, in his mid forties, his face is stern, almost unpleasant. But there is a redeeming quality in his eyes, they almost seem to glow.
“you’re going to regret this, you bastard”
I notice the other man, he’s bleeding as he runs out of the shop. I walk into the center of the store,
“what’s your name?”
The man looks at me, he seems more docile then before.
“my name is Makoto Sato, I apologize for breaking your window”
The customers start to get up and leave.
I look outside and notice that the men are gone.
“…Thank you”
I bow in front of him
“Hey, stop, there‘s no need for that”
Makoto looks away, he’s embarrassed. He looks at the ground and sees the shards of glass and blood.
“I’ll help you clean, Todo-San”
He knows my name…
“How did you know my name?”
He smirks,
“I asked some of the customers”
He’s observant, talking to him, I feel like I’m giving away secrets.
“I insist Todo-San, I got carried away”
He really wants to help, so I figure there’s no harm to be done. I get a broom and a tray, and he helps me sweep up the glass. We clean up the blood spots on the floor with a brand cleaner.
“There all done”
I say with a smile.
“Not everything Todo-San”
He points to the Window. He’s very formal, I’m not very used to it.
“You know Sato-San, you could call me Kana”
He smirks, then lights up a cigarette.
“You smoke?” I’m concerned for him, even though we just met.
He grunts. I feel bad for him, doesn’t he care at all about his own well-being? I try to say something.
“…”
He looks back at me, and sees the concern in my face. He flicks the cigarette out. It makes me happy.
“Listen Sato-san, do you have a place to stay?”
he looks up.
“no”
it’s sad to hear this.
“no family, or friends?”
“no”
He makes me think about my family, and Taka, and how much they mean to me.
I can’t just let him leave.
“Listen if you want, you can stay here, there’s a basement here, and you’re welcome to do what you want with it.”
he stands up and faces me.
“Are you sure?”
I nod my head. He smiles all but a second, and then it almost vanishes underneath his cold demeanor.
“I appreciate that…Kana. Listen you catch some rest, and I’ll fix the window. It’s getting cold out” and he was right, night was approaching and a soft chill makes it through the cracked frame. I say goodnight, and go upstairs. Laying in bed, I listen as I hear the front door open, Makoto most of left, I hope he comes back.

Author‘s notes:

This is my first foray into writing a fanfic, and my first time displaying online to the public. So if the story seems to be lacking something, that’s probably why. But don’t be afraid to leave any criticism, good or bad, it’ll help me learn the ropes, so to say.

On to the main course, the first chapter of Sorrow was very difficult to write. Considering I created a character new to the Kana universe, he has to find his own place, and more importantly, be tolerable to the reader. If I had to relate him to anyone, I’d say he was inspired by Auron from Final Fantasy X, at least in his physical appearance, but he does possess unique qualities that make him his own character.

I had trouble writing for Kana in first person, but I feel I managed to write it well. Makoto is easy to write for, since I can make up his own style freely, but I have to keep writing for Kana as if the story continued the game. There is some leniency considering two years have passed, and we can assume Kana has grown stronger, and such she would speak more confidently. Still there is probably room for improvement.

The gang of loiterers had some pretty corny lines, but they’re secondary characters, and misunderstood.

1. My first bit of feedback - sometimes you need to break things up into shorter paragraphs. Big slabs of text are very hard to read. Each paragraph should contain only one major idea. Your first paragraph can be broken up into five much more readable paragraphs (see below).

2. There are lots of places where you use commas where you should use full stops. (marked in green below)

3. It's (with an apostrophe) only ever means 'it is'. If it doesn't mean 'it is', then use its.

For example:

4. Start new sentences with capital letters. End sentences with full stops (sometimes you end sentences with commas, or not at all).

4a. An exception to this is when the sentence immediately follows dialogue - something like “Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” he exclaims is correct.

4b. You should keep the speech attributions on the same line as the dialogue. For example, "There, all done," I say with a smile. In cases like these, you don't have to end the dialogue with a full stop. A comma is fine.

5. You should also put a space between each new line of dialogue (for the purposes of posting here), to break up the text.


'Lathered in enough gel to kill a small animal' and 'the guy with the really bad hair' made me laugh.

In the fight scene, you use a lot of 'I then [do something]' constructions. A few too many, I think. It would be nice to vary your phrasing a bit more.

I don't think Kana would really make donuts just for breakfast, but that's just my opinion. It doesn't strike me as something quick and easy to make, which seems to be her intent.

I like Kana's dialogue when she's on the phone to Taka, and her 'I feel nervous, and a little sick' remark. It feels true to her character.

The description of Makoto is a lot to take in all at once. It might be better to have a quick impression of him, then fill in the details of his appearance bit by bit as Kana talks more to him. She might be initially thankful for his intervention, then daunted by his black clothing, then curious about the scars on his arms, for example. Show us how Kana reacts to Makoto's appearance. It'll be much more interesting and organic that way.

Hmm, she could notice that his clothes seem dirty and worn, and start worrying about if he has a place to stay. At the moment, her asking if he has somewhere to stay seems quite out of the blue.

Overall, I think the story is flowing well. You're doing very well with Kana's voice, and I'm interested to see what happens next.

Thanks, I don't claim to be a master at grammar, but now that you point out some of my repeated mistakes, it's pretty obvious. I especially noticed the dialogue, thats where a majority of my mistakes seemed to be such as capitalizing the first letter, and ending conversation with a perios (For some ungodly reason, I thought you didn't need a period).

And yes, the constant use of I, or any word for that matter, it's a trap, but when I start going into first person, it just pops up, and it does take away from the quality of the story and action taking place.

I'll also change the meal Kana makes to something, since your point is logical. I'll have to study and find a meal (It's funny, to try and write this story, I've done more studying then I usually do for school, which Ironically is probably why my grammar sucks).

I'll try to prolong the scene where Kana lets Makoto move in.

And I'm off.

Kana:
Sorrow

Written By
Jodan48

Chapter 1:
Makoto Sato:
I am Makoto Sato
I know Kana Todo

Day has dawned. It‘s a calm summer day, no different than yesterday, or any days previously. People walk here and there, going about their daily lives, darting into shops to escape the heat.

Children are laughing, playing with each other, running through groups of people. Teenagers are eating outside, laughing and roughhousing, bothering some older looking gentlemen behind them.

I walk amidst the crowd, when I notice a small building. some sleazy looking guys are leaning against the wall. I go inside. Passing them I enter the store. A little bell rings, there are a few people browsing through shelves of books. A few people are loafing around reading books on comfortable looking chairs.

The store is small, and age has taken it’s toll on the interior, the floorboards squeak, and the paint is peeling off. I walk around the shelves, filled with an assortment of books, everything from trivial comic books, to lengthy history texts. There’s a shelf devoted entirely to hand me downs, where anyone is welcome to donate a book.

Making my way through the store, I notice a young woman at the counter, talking on a phone. The proprietor? She looks young, brown hair, she’s not very tall, and from first glance, I’d say she wasn’t much older than 17.

But within her eyes, I can tell she’s experienced more than most people have in their entire life. Some say that you can tell what kind of person someone is just by looking at their eyes, a window to the soul.

She looks concerned, her fingers are nervously curling the spiral phone wire. She moves into a room behind the counter. I am curious, and can’t help but find out what wrong, I pick up a random book, and walk over to the counter, I listen hard, and hear a small faint voice.
“I don’t know what to do, these guys keep coming here everyday.”
“No, they haven’t actually harmed me, but they scare me.”
“I don’t want to, it would only anger them, and then who knows what they’d do.”
“I’m scared…Bro.”

Hearing enough, I leave the store, and notice the same group of men still there, talking amongst themselves, there’s one wearing sunglasses lighting up a cigarette, the one next to him has really bad hair, lathered in enough gel to kill a small animal. I take the cigarette out of the one guys hand.

“Hey! What do you think you’re doing?” he exclaims and looks directly at me.
“What are you doing?”
He stares at me, as I start smoking his cigarette.
“What do you mean? You stole my cigarette”
I blow smoke out at his face.
“Why do you come here everyday? Unless you want to buy a book, I suggest you leave.”
His eyes shift.
“So what, we aren‘t bothering anyone. We can do whatever we want, old man” He laughs.
“You’re bothering the owner of the store.”
The guy with the hair makes a rude comment,
“She’s a freak, who wants to own a bookstore anyway?”
The group laughs, two more men from the alley appear.
“Besides we’re just misunderstood citizens”

“I see, misunderstood. well let me help you understand”
I grab the one wearing sunglasses and slam his face into a wall. His glasses break, and he falls to the ground. Alarmed, the remaining men react.
“Get him!”
One of the alley guys sprints forward. Kneeling forward, I elbow him in the waist, and then flip him over my shoulder onto the pavement.

The guy with the greased hair is next to reach me, and he pulls out a knife. I wait for him to make a jab, and as he retracts his hand, I grab it and twist it, and he drops the knife which I then proceed into kicking into further down into the alley. releasing his arm I punch him right in the face, he falls down onto the ground, bleeding. The other alley guy runs off without as much of an attempt to throw a punch.

The guy with the sunglasses tries to stand up, he moans. Grabbing him by the collar, I drag him to the front of the store, then toss him through the front window display case.

People scream in confusion and panic as the glass shatters. The guy hits a bookcase, and a heavy encyclopedia falls of a shelf and lands on his head.
The woman managing the counter comes out.
“Don’t let me see you near here again, got it?”
The guy stands up, wobbling, blood dripping over his face.
“You’re going to regret this, you bastard!”
He leaves the store. The woman walks over, and asks me my name.
“My name is Makoto Sato”

Kana Todo:
I am Kana Todo
I knew Makoto Sato

As I wake up, I look outside my window. It looks like it’s going to be another typical summer day, Busy. Getting ready for the day ahead, I quickly get take a shower and dress. Preparing a small meal of steamed rice, I quickly eat.

Things have become routine around the store, and time goes by fast, has it really been two years since I left home...since I left Taka? I stop myself from thinking any longer on the subject.

It’s about time, and I open the store. It’s early still, so few people come, but later there will be many more. I help children find the latest comics, and a few older kids come from the university, buying books they need for their courses at the last minute.

Everything’s calm and going well until early afternoon, when I notice people hanging around outside.
Not again…

There’s four of them, and they have come for the past five days or so, and they keep loitering out front. The first time I noticed them I asked them if they wanted to come in, but they laughed at me.

Ever since they keep coming back and they scare me. I hear the bell chime and someone walks in. I remember what my brother said about being assertive, but I can‘t force myself to confront them again. They will occasionally look inside the store, and then go back into the alley.

As the day progresses, my resolve breaks down and before I know it, I’m on the phone, calling up home. Mom answers.
“Hello honey, how are you doing?”
“Fine mom, listen could you put Taka on for a second?”
I wait for a second for Taka to pick up.
“Hello, this is Taka speaking.”
“Bro…it’s Kana.”
I curl the phone chord in my fingers.
“Oh hey, Kana, is everything all right at the store?”
“…”
“What’s wrong?”
I walk into the back of the store.
“There’s these guys standing around outside the store.”
“So what’s the problem, do you need help?”
“…”
“Oh I see... is there anyway other way I can help?”
“I don’t know what to do, these guys keep coming here everyday.”
“Kana have they ever hurt you?”
“No, they haven’t actually harmed me, but they scare me”
“Why don’t you call the police?”
“I don’t want to, it would only anger them, and then who knows what they’d do.”
“Kana, I don’t know what to say…”
“I’m scared…Bro.”
“Listen, watch over them for a little while, if they don’t leave anytime soon, call me ok?”
“Alright Bro.”

I hang up the phone, I feel nervous, and a little sick. Normally I should be able to call up my family for help, but it’s different when it comes to Taka. I want to grow stronger, I want to make it on my own, but this is too much for me. I start to cry a little.

CRASH!

I hear the sound of breaking glass and chairs scuffing along the ground. I walk out of the back room and see a tall man with dark black hair, He‘s wearing a dark colored Haori coat over a plain black undershirt. He is rather tall, and has large shoulders.

“You’re going to regret this, you bastard!”
I notice the other man, he’s bleeding as he runs out of the shop. I walk into the center of the store,
“What’s your name?”
The man looks at me, he seems more docile then before.
“My name is Makoto Sato, I apologize for breaking your window”
The customers start to get up and start to leave.
I look outside and notice that the men are gone.
“…Thank you”
I bow in front of him
“Hey, stop, there‘s no need for that”
Makoto looks away, he’s embarrassed. He’s an older man, must be in his mid forties, his face is stern, almost unpleasant, but there’s a redeeming quality in his eyes.

He looks at the ground and sees the shards of glass and blood.
“I’ll help you clean, Todo-San”
He knows my name…
“How did you know my name?”
He smirks,
“I asked some of the customers”
He’s observant, talking to him, I feel like I’m giving away secrets.
“I insist Todo-San, I got carried away”
He really wants to help, so I figure there’s no harm to be done. I hand him a broom, he grabs it with a gloved hand, and I see many scars on his wrist and arm.. and a tray, and he helps me sweep up the glass. We clean up the blood spots on the floor with a brand cleaner.

“There all done,” I say with a smile.
“Not everything Todo-San.”
He points to the Window. He’s very formal, I’m not used to it.
“You know Sato-San, you could call me Kana.”
He smirks, then lights up a cigarette.
“You smoke?” I’m concerned for him, even though we just met.
He grunts. I feel bad for him, doesn’t he care at all about his own well-being? I try to say something.
“…”
He looks back at me, and sees the concern in my face. He flicks the cigarette out. It makes me happy.

Considering the circumstances, the store has to be closed until further notice. I start preparing a meal for dinner, and Makoto sits nearby, reading a book.
“So, Sato-San, where do you live?”
He doesn’t respond, his clothes are dirty, mud-caked. He must live a hard life. I feel bad for him.
“What about any family, or friends?”
Still nothing, he sighs.
He makes me think about my family, and Taka, and how much they mean to me.

We eat in silence, the only sounds are silverware clattering and chewing.
“Listen if you want, you can stay here, there’s a basement here, and you’re welcome to do what you want with it. That is until you find a place of your own.”
He stands up and faces me.
“Are you sure?”
I nod my head. He smiles all but a second, and then it almost vanishes underneath his cold demeanor.
“I appreciate that…Kana. Listen you catch some rest, and I’ll fix the window. It’s getting cold out” and he was right, night was approaching and a soft chill makes it through the cracked frame. I say goodnight, and go upstairs. Laying in bed, I listen as I hear the front door open, Makoto most of left, I hope he comes back.

Author‘s notes:

reedited.

I made a few changes here and there, and things sound a bit better. I tried breaking up paragraphs to make it easier on the eyes. Also the grammar appears to be more correct, but I’m sure there’s one or two things I missed.

I took a quick run through the revised chapter and put the corrections in bold.

Kudos, Darkling.

Well I'm rather embarassed by this whole thing, and I really can't defend so many errors, so I'll hande this in the most discreet way possible.

"slips $50 into darkling's pocket"

This never happened, right?

I'm glad to help out a fellow Kana fan, Jodan. I think you've got an interesting story to tell, and by pointing out the small habitual errors, maybe I can help you to start catching them before you make them. =)

I too am taking a liking to your story. It's an interesting perspective and I do see the potential it has.

Don't worry about Mr. English nut and his corrections. I'll tell you personally that he gives very good and constant help. While it also makes everything seem frustrating at the same time ^^.

I'll point out that your story has certain gaps to it. Like Darkling mentioned before, you came out of the blue the first time with Kana asking Makoto to stay with her. Or, it seemed to me, that right after the fight scene you rushed through the buildup and moved on to the next main point in the story.

The onlly real reason I feel this way is because when I write sometimes I tend to nail the big points I want to hit but leave the gaps in the middle that need to be there. So it seems that I'm just hoping all over the place without giving a clear explination as to why and how the character got there.

I also have a personal problem with English but if you're around Darkling enough, you'll begin to improve every so often.

CHAPTER 2:
Closed for Renovation:

It’s early when I return back to Kana’s. Kana still isn’t awake, so I walk quietly to the basement. The basement isn’t a luxurious place, but I didn’t expect much.

I drop a chest full of personal items onto a cot, and take my surroundings in. It’s a dark place, a single flickering bulb in the center of the room illuminates only a small radius.

Checking inside a box stuffed in the corner, there’s some old clothes, perhaps left behind by the previous owner. A table on the verge of collapsing under it’s own weight occupies a space by a tilted bulletin board. Remnants of a forgotten age.

I open up the chest laying on the cot, and arrange the few valuables in my life. Newspaper clippings are tacked onto the bulletin board. I drop a notebook full of dates, names, and places onto the table. The table wobbles in response to the added weight.

I place a heavy padlock onto the chest. Locking it, I place it underneath the cot. Having gotten little sleep, I drop down onto the cot exhausted. It’s lumpy, and smells of an curious odor. Tossing and turning, I eventually sleep.

A few hours later, I wake. My back is sore as I climb the stairs.
“Good Morning, Makoto.”
Kana is cheerful, and cooking breakfast. I walk over to the front of the store.
“Don’t worry, I’m having a new window installed today.”
She says what’s on my mind. I walk into the kitchen. It’s small and crammed in between the store and the staircase.
“Are you closing the store all day today?”
She nods.
“It’s actually a welcome change, it’s hard to find time to just relax.”

Sitting down at a table, I watch Kana cook Miso Soup.
“So what do you do to relax Kana?”
“I uh…”
Kana looks down at the floor.
“I read.”
She’s embarrassed. She serves up two bowls of soup, and we eat in silence. I speak up.
“Kana you’re a good cook, did you learn from your parents?”
“Not really, I learned from my brother.”
She sounds uncomfortable.
“Is your brother a nice guy?”
She seems hesitant, her voice gets low and doesn’t say much.
“Yes he is.”

A knock comes from the front door, Kana excuses herself from the table. It’s the window repairman, and he informs us it’s going to be awhile to replace the window.

After we finish eating, Kana’s washing dishes.
“Kana, would you mind if I help around here?”
She looks at me.
“what do you mean?”
“I was thinking, since the store is closed anyway, we could spruce the store up a bit. Besides, it could be fun.”
Kana nods her head.
“That does sound like fun.”

I go into the basement. I put on a white shirt which barley fits, and a pair of pants which itch tremendously. I lay my clothes on the cot. Going back upstairs, Kana laughs at my appearance.
“Hey! That’s not polite.”
She’s still laughing.
“Sorry.”

Laying down a tarp, I open a can of paint. It matches the green of the walls. We spend the next few hours painting and talking. We each start at one side of a wall and meet up. Kana can’t reach the top of the wall, so I go back and cover for her.

As time passes, we finish painting late in the afternoon.
“Thank you, Makoto, it looks nice.”
“You helped to, besides it was fun, wasn’t it”
She nods her head.

I attempt to cook dinner tonight, and burn the main course. We laugh while we eat.
“This is some good stuff.”
I laugh as Kana pretends to gag.
“I’ll help you next time.”
“Thanks.”

As Kana goes up to her room, I wonder about her family. Why was she so hesitant about her brother. Walking down the staircase, I begin to ponder about what Kana’s nervous about, and what she’s hiding.

Realization:

Me and Makoto have grown closer in the past few days. It’s nice having someone to talk to, and yet…He remind me of Taka.

He’s always there to help me. Defending me against others when I’m to weak to, and helping out around the store. I feel like I’m holding him back. He could easily leave here and make something of himself, but he doesn’t. I’m worried he only stays because of me.

“Kana, where do you want these?”
Makoto is holding a book of newly arrived books, I point to the back corner.
“Is everything ok?”
He looks at me, surveys me. He gets worried when I feel upset.
“Yes, I’m just thinking.”
He walks off. It’s almost closing time, and few people remain in the shop.

It was a busy day, and there were many customers, probably because of the events which happened the other day. People kept asking me if I was ok, and wanted to see Makoto. For some reason, he refused to see anybody, and looked apprehensive when further questioned about it.

At about 5 minutes to, everyone has left the shop, and we close down. Makoto tries to cook again, we’re both in the kitchen. And as Makoto gets out the ingredients, we begin to talk.
“Kana, what’s bothering you?”
Makoto hasn’t talked much today, he’s wearing his regular attire, but I was able to wash it for him along with some of my stuff.
“Oh…nothing.”
“C’mon, tell me.”
He’s frying pieces of chicken in tempura, the aroma is good.

“Makoto, do you like staying here?”
Makoto looks at me.
“Of course.”
“Why?”
“why? Well besides being the only place I have,” He puts another piece of chicken in the tempura, “You’re a good girl.”
He smiles at me.
“Careful about leaving them in too long. You’ll burn them.”
He picks another piece out.
“Kana, don’t worry. If I didn’t want to be here, I would leave.”
He eats a piece of the chicken.

We sit down and eat. It’s quiet.
“So, Kana tell me about your family.”
I try to think of something, but whenever I think of my family, I can only think of Taka…I start to cry a little.
“Kana, are you alright?”
He gets up and walks over to me, He places his hand on my shoulder.
“Listen Kana, I’m sorry if I upset you, you don’t need to talk about it if you don’t want to.”

His hand on my shoulder only reminds me of the times Taka used to hold me, but it’s different. I stop crying. Makoto doesn’t need me, he’s strong like everyone else, like Taka…

I think for a second.
maybe it’s not like Taka.
Taka needed me to hold him back, we needed each other.
Maybe Taka was weak like me, maybe he needed me to grow stronger.
That’s why are relation was so unnatural.

Makoto releases his hand from my shoulder.
“Kana, I think it’s best you get some rest, I’ll see you tomorrow.”
He gets up to leave, I watch him go.

I sit at the table and think, and every time I keep coming to the same conclusion. With as much as I have done by myself, and as long as I have separated myself from him, I can’t deny what I feel.

I still love Taka.

Author’s notes:

Well here we are again. I had this chapter written out before hand, but I completely rewrite it. The original draft was very short, only around a page or so long in total, and barely had any dialogue, which I wanted to improve upon.

I tried to strengthen the relation of Makoto and Kana in this chapter, and for the most part this is shown in the more casual attitudes characters display to one another.

Meanwhile, I tried to improve my grammar in this one, and I devoted two hours plus to writing it. We’ll see how that turns out.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Jpop thanks for the adice.

If some things look like they're rushed, I'll plan to go back and devote some more time to fleshing things out a bit more. Then I'll make a final master copy of sorts, which will be posted as a story instead of in the forums.

Anyway, I'm off.

1. You're doing much better with the paragraphing. They're much shorter and more readable.

2. Remember, only use it's when you mean 'it is'. Everywhere else, use its, without an apostrophe.

3. Either spell it 'okay' or 'OK' (in capitals).

4. In some places I've suggested semicolons instead of full stops. This shows that the two sentences are closely related to each other and should be read together.

Would Makoto already be calling her Kana in his head? I know she asked him to call her Kana, but maybe he'd still be thinking of her as 'Todo-san'? You could show the growing closeness between them that way, too - by choosing when he starts thinking of her as Kana, to show that she's made her way into his heart.

Kana's embarrassment about her hobby of reading is very cute. A nice character moment.

Well looks like I've improved in someplaces.

Thanks for the Semicolan tip, since I never really grapsed the general concept of what situations to use it in.

The idea of Makoto still thinking of Kana as Todo-San is interesting idea to show devolopment in there relation.

Anyway, I'm taking a small break for posting the next chapter, only becuase I have to write some final exam essays (One in Law and another in History). But I'd expect it to be posted sometime Thursday at the latest.

Thanks for your time editing the stories Darkling, I know you as well probably have more interesting things to do.

And I'm off.

I have to say the writings do feel better when I read them. I'm no expert nor will I elaborate anything more on your English. All you need is time and Darkling now ^^.

I like your small comparisons between Makato/Taka and Kana's struggle within in it. I always have a concern that stories don't have a point to them or they take too long to get there. Now I know it's only chapter 2 but I feel better once I can anticipate some sort of story (even if I'm wrong).



Tff...Darkling? More interesting things to do? {Insert cruel sentence here}.

Oh hey Darkling... *Skips along his way*

Well, that's it. I take back everything I said in the General Banter forum. =P

And J-Pop's right. Sometimes stories seem to take an eternity getting to the point, so it's nice to see that you've already gotten things moving in a certain direction, Jodan.

It's especially a trap with fanfiction. Some people are so tickled to be writing their favourite characters that they forget to make those characters do anything for a chapter or three. (Present company excepted, of course.)

Good luck writing your essays, Jodan. I hope they go well.

Yay for me! After 3 or 4 years with my computer, I activated my Microsoft Word product cd (I'm a bad procrastinator). It seems to catch up on more grammar mistakes then Word Processor, also looks flashier too.

Chapter 3:
Home Bound:

Everyone has secrets; it’s only natural as humans to hide things from others. Some are trivial things that might embarrass someone if they were found out. On the opposite end of the spectrum, there are things that might taint a person’s reputation

Kana has one of the latter.

Sitting at the table, I’m curious as to what she has to hide. She seems to be a nice kid; resourceful and strong willed. It’s obvious it has something to do with her family; she doesn’t hide her emotions well.

I tap my fingers on the table. It’s obvious she isn’t going to tell me, at least not what I want to hear.

Do I have any right to meddle in her life? Probably not, but I’ve already decided I’m going to.

Getting up, I walk upstairs. It’s the crack of dawn; as such the streets are empty. Leaving a note behind for Kana, I leave the store.

The air is brisk, and a cold morning sting comes with it. The train station is not to far away, so I walk at a leisurely but constant rate.

The early hours are calm; a few birds flutter from trees, and an interested cat is on the prowl for food.

Reaching the station, I sit down and wait. A person in a suit is drinking coffee, and an elderly woman is reading the paper.

The train glides into the station, and everyone boards in. Finding an empty compartment, I sit. Waiting for the train to start, the compartment door opens, a younger man sticks his head in.
“Do you mind if I join you? All the other compartments are full.”
“No bother at all.”
He opens the door fully and sits down.

As the scenery flies by in the window, the young man attempts to rouse up conversation.
“My name is Yuta Ito.”
He looks like an eager kid.
“Makoto Sato.”
The train shakes a little, and the younger man looks curious.
“Isn’t that the name of the guy who was murdered?”
I’m caught of guard, the kid knows his history.
“Tell me, what you know about that case.”
“Well, I remember it was all over the news when I was a kid, the guy apparently had connections to the yakuza.”
Kid has a keen memory.
“That’s right; he was the leader of the yakuza, some say he was murdered by his own son.”
The kid looks uneasy.
“Don’t worry, I’m not related.”
It’s almost the truth, enough to convince him I’m not going to kill him if he looks away. The kid relaxes.

The train is slowing to a stop, the kid and I get off and we part ways.

This is the general area of where Kana mentioned she was raised. After asking around a little bit, a young woman mentions she knows the Todo’s son, and points me in the right direction.

Its noontime; the atmosphere is pleasant around here. Passing a playground, I see children swinging on swings, and going down slides. It must have been a swell enough place growing up around here.

Eventually, I find myself in front of Kana’s home. Walking up to the front door, I knock on the door.

A woman opens the door.
“Hello.”
She must be Kana’s mother.
“Hello, is this the Todo residence?”
She nods her head.
“I was wondering if we could talk about your daughter, Kana?”
A look of worry comes over her.
“Why? Is she in trouble?”
“No, I was just curious about her, I help around at her store.”
“Certainly, please come in.”

She opens up the door, and I bow. I follow her into a kitchen. She asks me to wait, so I take a seat. Looking around, it seems like your typical place; nothing abnormal stands out. Todo-san comes back with tea.

“Thank you, Todo-san.”
“May I ask your name?”
Taking a sip, I decide not to further risk my identity. I say the first name that comes into my head.
“Yuta Ito.”
“Well Ito-san, what do you want to know about Kana, is she doing well?”
“Well enough. I was curious as to Kana’s past, she’s upset about something.”
Todo-san sighs,
“Ito-san, Kana’s childhood, actually most of her life until recently, has been pretty hard.”
“Please tell me.”

False Reality:

Kana

I had business to attend to. Be back later tonight

Makoto

The note is written sloppily. What kind of business does Makoto have? This is the first time he’s left the store, and he doesn’t associate with anyone; besides me.

Besides me…

I’m so preoccupied with the thought; I burn the meal I’m preparing. Eating by myself, I realize how lonely it is without someone around. Surely I must have felt this way when I left home, but I managed it. But now…

Realizing I cooked for two, I throw away the remainders.
What is Makoto doing?

Opening the store, my head is spinning; is Makoto doing something for me? I would think not, he’s not a sentimental guy. But the idea is enjoyable.

Unconsciously helping regulars, I imagine what life would be like with Makoto, and it just doesn’t feel right. In my dream he’s outgoing; the center of attention. He’s also is enthusiastic; full of energy and on the go. He’s more like Taka.

Makoto is really more like me and what I want to be; and maybe that’s why we get along. He’s withdrawn from others. He hides his feelings, though is much better than me. But he has the strength that I want; he can confront his problems. He can handle himself in uncomfortable situations.

That’s why I can never love him, Opposites attract; and we’re to much the same person in spirit.

It’s a little bit after noon. Regulars talk of bad weather coming in the next hour or so, and lasting throughout the night. People come and ask if they I can hold onto books until tomorrow. Hanging out for a few more minutes, they say good-bye and leave the store. The clouds overhead look dark, and I decide to close up early.

Having nothing to do, I wander around a bit. When I reach the staircase, I prepare to go up to my room, but; glancing the other way, I see the staircase leading to the basement.

Interested, I walk down, and open the door.

Being down in my own basement, I feel an ominous threat. It’s dark, and I can barely make the outlines of anything. Finding a string, I pull down, and a flickering light dimly illuminates the room.

Looking around my eye is drawn to a table, where it seems someone has mended one of the legs. Atop it lies a black journal; opening it, neat writing mark the pages. Dates, facts and names and observant notes, It seems like the type of thing Makoto would write. Closing the cover, I look up at the bulletin board, many newspaper articles are pinned up to it, with arrows pointing that way and this way.

Lying down on the cot is uncomfortable, and I feel bad for Makoto. Looking under the mattress for anything that may be causing additional discomfort, I discover a chest.

Pulling it out, I look at it. It once was a thing of elegance, but now is disgraceful. There are hunks of wood missing out of the box, and the gold seam around the edges has tarnished. In the center is a crest with a small keyhole.

Shaking the chest, it sounds nearly empty.

Getting up, I slide the chest back underneath.

Leaving Makoto’s room, I wonder what he’s up to.

Authors Notes

In this chapter, both character’s are beginning to pry into the other’s personal life, Makoto takes more action, while Kana goes about it cautiously.

I threw in Yuta and Yumi (Her name is not mentioned, but you’re left to assume it’s her) since this is the one time Makoto will be alone.

Makoto’s past has begun to come out with his discussion with Yuta, and will start to be revealed further in each chapter.

Last chapter Kana compared Taka and Makoto, so this chapter provided some contrast.

I decided to keep having Makoto think of Kana as Kana, as opposed to Todo-san since Kana’s mother is briefly introduced, Makoto thinks of her as Todo-san. However he could address Kana by a different title (Todo-chan?)